Thursday, November 10, 2011

The fear of an impending loss is overwhelming.
Wouldn’t one rather prefer to be surprised unpleasantly, than look forward to something with dread? It’s like dying every moment instead of dying just once. Isn’t everyone entitled to ignore an unwanted truth just as one is expected to tolerate it? But even deciding to ignore it is another pain of enormous proportion in itself. So, I wonder if one should rather always be caught off-guard with grave sorrow than know it is coming. Because then, as I see it, one wouldn’t be plagued by the oncoming stab of pain and one would not have any other way but through. Thus, one wouldn’t also be tormented by the guilt of an unwanted choice of ignoring it being made.
And this pain that I talk about is compounded when it involves people who are dear to one. That’s when one would say something like, “I wish I were the one to die instead of him.” Such show of love! With all due respect to anyone who ever felt thus, have you tried scratching the surface of that emotion? I did. And what did I find? Ah! Just as I suspected, it’s my own fear-the fear of having to deal with the loss and the pain. This is not to belittle human emotions of compassion and empathy. Of course, they are, but very real feelings. But the trigger almost always, seems to be something more selfish than one might ever comfortably be willing to except.

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